Time goes by so fast; weeks turn into months and months turn into years. It seems like we are constantly running from one place to the next. There are always so many things on our to-do list. Even when we feel like we accomplish things and can cross off some stuff, other things get added. When people are running around, the last thing they have on their mind is being kind and compassionate towards others. Then when you add daily stressors to that, people can sometimes come off as cold and maybe even rude. Sometimes it feels like we have more patience with strangers on the street or even coworkers, than we do with our own family.  Compassion and kindness can be the last things on our mind after a busy day. 

When talking about loving-kindness, it can be something that most people want to achieve.  Maybe even wish that one day they could wake up and be more loving towards others, but more than anything more loving towards themselves. However, at times it feels like we are our own worst enemy. We talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to anyone else. Maybe if we talked to friends the way we talk to ourselves, they wouldn’t be our friends anymore.  

As humans, we sometimes push ourselves too hard and when we don’t get it right, it is almost automatic to criticize ourselves. We are chasing perfection when we know it can never be achieved. Social media makes it look like perfection is attainable. However, pictures can easily be photoshopped or staged which gives the illusion of perfection. When life feels chaotic, it is tempting to look at social media to see that perfection is attainable. That a perfect life is just a little bit farther, if we reach, we can almost touch it. We just need to work harder, make more money, and be busier. There is no room for self-compassion and loving-kindness. We hold ourselves and others to really high expectations, and when those expectations are not met, we feel disappointed in ourselves, or we might let go of valuable people. When we push ourselves too hard, we can often encounter suffering. Shame and guilt make an appearance and then they install themselves and become a permanent fixture in our life. 

It is important to practice loving-kindness which is defined as demonstrating the kind of love that cares for others who are suffering, helping people in need, and having sympathy for those who are being treated unfairly. Loving-kindness incorporates other important qualities like compassion, calmness of the mind, and sympathetic joy. When people talk about compassion, it is easier to extend it to others than it is to show compassion for ourselves. One way to start loving ourselves more is by reconciling our past. The good and bad decisions that we made have brought you to this moment in life. In hindsight, you can easily see the things that you got right and the things that you got wrong. You have knowledge that you didn’t have before, so it is important to extend grace to yourself knowing and believing that you did your best with what you had at that moment.   

The temptation is always there to be mean to ourselves, to treat ourselves more harshly, so we can try harder and do better next time. At times this might actually work, but what people don’t realize is that by doing this, they are also chipping away at their self-esteem and leaving themselves more vulnerable to criticism. By treating yourself with compassion, you can acknowledge that you fell short and that’s ok. More than likely, there will be an opportunity to try again and use what you learned from the last time, so you don’t make the same mistakes. By extending compassion and grace, you treat yourself like a human instead of like a robot. You learn to love yourself and accept your virtues and your flaws and as a result, it is easier to accept them in other people too. How can people feel better and grow when they spend their day criticizing themselves? In a world that is constantly telling us that perfection is the norm, it is up to us to speak a little louder and realize that being human is the norm. Humans are not perfect, but something doesn’t need to be perfect to be beautiful in its own right. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder…

 

For more information, please check the following resource.  

Stahl, B., & Goldstein, E. (2019). A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.