First of all, we have to ask, why do people yell? There can be many reasons why people raise their voice at others. Some people do it when they feel threatened. Others do it as a way to feel heard. Yet others yell because that’s how their family communicated when they were growing up. It just feels normal to communicate that way. However, what are the consequences of such behavior? Could we be missing out on having a deeper relationship with others if we just stopped yelling?  

Yelling can happen easily even in the most loving relationships. When people yell, the body goes from a state of calmness to a state of arousal. This increases the amount of cortisol and adrenaline that runs through the body in order to prepare for the threat. After this, the body goes into a fight, flight, or freeze state. If we go into a fight state, we might start yelling back, trying to defend ourselves. If we go into a flight state, the person might leave either emotionally or physically to avoid the threat. If the body decides to go into a freeze state, then the person might turn inwards, feeling shameful or inadequate. Yelling is especially harmful if the person has experienced trauma in the past. It can trigger negative thoughts and feelings that can lead to very dark places. 

When a person gets yelled at, the person receiving the yelling will no longer feel safe or like they can trust the other person. Children who get yelled at might experience frequent crying, guilt, shame, withdrawal from parents, and powerlessness. Yelling can even lead to behavior problems. People yell in an effort to feel heard. However, it has the opposite effect. Remember that yelling is another form of verbal abuse.  

We know that kids learn more not by what we tell them but by what we do. If they grow up with parents who are constantly yelling, it might be normal for that child to do the same as they interact with others. If they saw mom or dad yelling at each other, they might be more likely to yell at their significant other when they grow up. Even though some people might feel like yelling is no big deal, it is demeaning and hurtful.  

The following are some steps that you can take to diminish yelling. 

Be Aware of Your Body Sensations. Being self-aware can give you important information on when to stop a conversation if it feels like it is getting out of hand. If you feel like your body is shaking, or your heart is beating fast, it might be a good idea to tell the other person that you need to take a break. This can last for an hour, a couple of hours, or you can even talk about it the next day. When you are taking that break, remember to practice breathing exercises or mindfulness. Something that is soothing. 

Calm Your Body. It is easier to calm your body than to calm your mind. If you feel yourself getting angry, direct your attention inward. Recognize why you are feeling hurt. Once you know why you are in pain, it will be easier to address it with the other person. 

Emotional Regulation. Another important thing to do is to become aware of your emotions. Are you feeling shame, betrayal, powerlessness, anxiety, or fear? The more you practice being aware of your feelings, the better you will be at keeping them under control.   

Assertive Communication. Being able to tell the other person how you are feeling at that moment in an assertive manner can help to diminish the yelling. This involves being vulnerable and can even create more intimacy in a couple.  

Frustration of Expectations. Sometimes people might yell at others when they don’t agree. We want everyone to agree with us or think the same way that we do. When they don’t, we get more and more persistent and loud, in an effort to change their mind. It is important to recognize that not everyone will agree with you. This doesn’t mean that you need to yell at them or call them names so they can change their opinion. Instead, come to a compromise or you can agree to disagree.  

There are a few reasons to yell, like if someone is in danger, you are at a concert, or at a game. However, it is never a good idea if you want to build deeper relationships that are based on trust and respect. Your family, friends, and others deserve to be treated kindly. Yelling is not an appropriate way to communicate. The harm that is done by constant yelling can push people to do the unimaginable. Be part of the solution, not the problem. Show kindness!