First, what is gaslighting? Have you ever heard this term before? Chances are that you might have experienced this behavior with someone but didn’t know the right term for it. Gaslighting is when someone leads you to question your perception of reality, manipulates your memories, and affects your mental stability. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone causes a victim to question themselves in a way that feels manipulative. This is more commonly seen in romantic relationships where one of the partners is emotionally abusive. However, gaslighting is not exclusive to this kind of relationship. Gaslighting can happen with your boss, friend, parents, etc. Gaslighting can be extremely detrimental to the well-being of a person, to the point where they are not able to make simple decisions because they don’t know what to believe anymore. 

What are the stages of gaslighting? Gaslighting starts with disbelief where a person might say something weird or do something weird that leaves you feeling perplexed. An example of this would be, let’s say you start dating a new guy and it seems like things are going great. One night while eating dinner, he makes a comment about how he doesn’t like women who are educated. He feels like women who have a career just do it so they can put men down. This leaves you feeling confused since you have expressed on a previous date how important education is for you and how it has allowed you many opportunities. You feel like what he said is kind of weird and mean. You are not sure what to do because you feel like your feelings got hurt but you are also really attracted to this guy and would like to keep on seeing him. When you talk to him about his comment, he doesn’t apologize but defends what he said previously, and tells you that you are just being too sensitive. You start to question yourself and, in the end, you agree to keep on seeing him since it is not a big deal.  

The second stage of gaslighting is defense. This is where you start to defend yourself against the gaslighter’s manipulation. For example, you hear from your mom that your friend told her that you don’t have what it takes to become a nurse which is your lifelong dream and that you will never achieve your goal. You talk to your friend to clarify the situation and ask why she thinks that. You try to defend yourself and give her reasons why you would be an excellent nurse. However, she tells you that she didn’t mean it in a bad way. That she would never hurt you and how could you think badly of her. She says that you are offending her by asking her questions and putting her on the spot. You end up apologizing to her and feeling like something is seriously wrong, but you don’t know what, so you just move on.  

The third stage of gaslighting is depression. By the time you get to this stage, you feel truly lost. You don’t know what to believe anymore. It seems like everything is going wrong and you start blaming yourself. You start thinking that you are the problem and have no joy in your life. For example, your boss has been gaslighting you for a while, making you believe that the work that you turn in is not good enough. You have followed his instructions closely and done what he asked, but he always finds a mistake with your work. It feels like he is always critical of you, especially in front of others. You feel shame and start to believe his negative comments about you. He criticizes the way you dress saying that it is not acceptable, even though you are dressed according to policy. You feel so depressed that you are afraid of looking for a new job since he has made you believe no one will hire you. Your family notices that your behavior has changed so much, and you no longer smile. You are too afraid of telling anyone the truth, so you hide.  

Gaslighting can cause a person to doubt themselves. People who have been gaslighted experience low self-esteem. Their boundaries are blurred, and it is easy to walk all over them. When you are not used to trusting yourself, you become an easy target for others to disrespect your boundaries. When others around you are not treating you well, it helps manipulators to control you more easily. The minute you start standing up for yourself, they will push back. The more you enforce boundaries, the quicker they will try to defend their wrong behavior. You know someone respects you when you put boundaries and they don’t get mad. The moment they get mad, that means that they were just trying to control you. Be aware of how you feel when you are around people. Do you feel safe or is there some fear with a particular person? If you feel something weird, listen to your gut feeling. Confront the situation and if it doesn’t get resolved then walk away. Better to have the right people around you than be surrounded by people who just want you to lose your sanity. Take the time to get to know yourself, your values, and your beliefs.  If you stay when a person is clearly treating you wrong, you might be sending the message that the other person matters more than you do. Also, that it is alright to treat you badly. You deserve to be treated right and be surrounded by good people. They are out there. Don’t lose hope!